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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Machines Hate Me

Remember that guy in the Twilight Zone episode that was terrorized by machines? They hated him, they just freaking couldn't stand him. It was tragic, man, really tragic.

That man was me. Really.

I've even thought about suing the production company. They stole from me man, and I want my story back.

Machines hate me but I love them. Most. Most of the time. When they're not seeking their own twisted, greasy kind of vengeance on me. It's like they blame me for their fate in life. And I take what they're giving, and then when they're done, I pick myself up and start pushing buttons again. Sick, huh?

So here's my latest round of mishaps:

1. My cell phone. The new one. The T-mobile. It works beautifully, but my party can barely hear me. That's a problem. But since I'm still well within the honeymoon phase, I opted to exchange it for a different model (T-Mobile Dash). They're mailing it to me. Had to PAY for it. After it's received, I have to send back my defective one. They will credit me WITHIN 30 DAYS!!! How come it didn't take 30 days to charge me for it? Okay, the new one looks to be even sweeter, a better choice for my lifestyle...and more buttons to push (:

2. Eleanor Dammert -- my tablet PC. A few evenings ago I was listening to a MEDITATION CD to help me relax. It was late. I lay in bed, absorbing the lovely monotonous drone of the CD, with my dear Eleanor was at my side. Actually, she was on the floor next to the bed (her choice -- I snore) and in no time I fell into a restful sleep. A little while later I awoke to a MAJOR cat fight! Fur was flying and cats were SCREAMING bloody murder as they flailed across the floor. When the dust settled, I realized that Eleanor had been in the path of their fury and in the process, they had knocked three of her teeth out!!! My god, she lost her #5 tooth, her Period tooth, and her Comma tooth. Good lord in heaven! I immediately went online and found a replacement rack for her. I'm not much of a dentist, but when it arrives, I'll put on the anti-static gloves and open her up. Good lord in heaven -- me doing dental work on a MACHINE!

3. My Roomba is having trouble finding its charge station after sweeping up the cat hair and kibble and little bits of me. Still doing a good job cleaning the floor, but the charge station refusal is just plain obstinance!

Machines hate me man, they really do, and I swear I didn't do anything to deserve this!

8 comments:

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

hey, remember me? the words on my tombstone will read THE COMPUTER WAS HIS NEMESIS. so there.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

hey, remember me? the words on my tombstone will read THE COMPUTER WAS HIS NEMESIS. so there.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

the fact that the entry posted twice proves my %#@$#% point.

Clifford said...

Hell, of course I remember you! That image of you in the Elvis suit is indeliby burned on my retinas!

And your chilling fiction haunts my memories! Good to hear from you.

By the way, I make my living writing about how to make computers behave. Heh. Whoda' thunk?

Charles Gramlich said...

Clifford, I can see that you are a man of the modern world, but your relationship with your tablet PC is starting to make me wonder. You don't have...attachments for Eleanor do you? And what is Eleanor gonna think of this sleek and sensuous new phone that you're getting.

Clifford said...

Very astute, Charles! We're both happy living an alternative lifestyle...so when the new phone arrives, Eleanor knows she's welcome to join in with us!

Aoibheall said...

Cliff, you're not alone. The lightbulbs blow out on my side of the bed twice as fast as on the Pirates, the watch I have whose twin I gave to the Pirate is completely dead (the Pirate's is just fine). My phones, computers, etc. hate me.

But at least now I know why....

Clifford said...

aoibheall,

Ahhh, so you found me here...I wouldn't have know it was you if you hadn't mentioned the Pirate! I only know one Pirate, so it's gotta be you.

Another victim of machine disdain. We must share a common gene!

Oh yeah, if the Pirate worked on the new NetFlix thing, tell him I said "hooray"! I'm no longer a NetFlix member, but this is so cool I may have to rejoin! The movie industry had better embrace this as machines are and will make it easier and easier for us to exchange illegal copies of films Those damn machines again!

About Me

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This is me and one of my two cats. His name is Cougar, and he’s an F1 Chausie. A chausie is a new breed of cat under development. Chausies are the result of a cross between a domestic cat (in Cougar’s case, a Bengal) and a jungle cat (Felis Chaus). Cougar’s mom is 8 pounds and his father is a 30-pound jungle cat. He’s about 16 pounds, super intelligent, spirited, and toilet trained. A writer without a cat (or two) is not to be trusted.