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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The downside to civilized feline waste disposal

9_toilet If you’d asked me yesterday, I would have told you that there are NO downsides to training your cat to use the toilet, and so, so many upsides. Not having a litterbox? Priceless.

But then, today, I realized there really is one itty bitty irritation. You see, cats are, well, loveably self-centered. You’d never ask a cat if the world revolved around him because that would be like asking a great white if he liked the taste of surfer. Duh.

So get this, Cougar, when he was younger, liked to beat me to the toilet. When I would get up to go to the restroom, if he was feeling the need coming on, he’d race me to the bathroom and jump up on the seat and use it before I did. I’d have to stand there and wait. It was amusing at first, but there were those times when I’d, uh, pushed the envelope so to speak, and being one-upped was a little distressing.

And then there’s what just happened. My other cat, Fenix, doesn’t race me to the bathroom but I think when he notices me going it starts up his own metabolism or something, and he realizes he has to go too. A few moments ago, after, um, going, I stood to wipe and before I could pull tissue from roll, Fenix sauntered in and jumped up on the toilet seat. This isn’t the first time he’s done that, and well, standing there, tp in hand, while he does his business is a bit disturbing.

So, why don’t I just close the door? It’s a guy thing, really. It’s like not really necessary when the only one there to offend is, well, not easily offendable. So no, I don’t close the door all the way. And I have this annoying habit of pulling my pants down before I make it to the restroom.

Oh man, there I go again, revealing much more than is prudent!


archiwiz said...

LOL....This is really TMI...Mmmmm mmm mm...too many images in my head now. I think its admirable that you've taught the cats to use the facilities, but now they try to upstage you there?? Cats are really a self-centered bunch then.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, TMI...now I have visions in my head that will never never never go away...

Clifford said...

Lol! I tend to forget other people are reading this thang when I put pen to glass. Heh. And then once it's done, well, it's done. So there you go...all my bad habits on view!

Kate S said...


Funny, Cliff, I'd come over here to find your contact info to ask about the cat toilet training book you wrote, and this is the first post I see! Must be fate. :)

Though now I may rethink training my cat to use the potty...

synergy boy said...

So, can they be trained at any age, do you think? You trained Cougar and Fenix when they were kitties, yes?

And, er, yeah - overshare, dude. ;) And seriously funny.

Clifford said...

Heh. Yeah, I think so. I taught my first two cats when they were both young adults. If you're up for it, know that it will take three solid months of yor life...no more, no less, and that those three months will be trying. No vacations or weekend getaways during that time. You'll have a few accidents to clean up, litter all over the bathroom, some kitty stress to deal with as they're figuring out they want to do this (it will be their choice -- has to), but once the three months are over, they'll be pros at it and love to do the deed for their adoring mommy and daddy. There will be no more litter box, no more cleanup, no more tracked litter, no more "where the hell do I put the box" drama, no more privacy in the barthroom, and a hell of of lot of fun watching them do their business. I think it took an enitre year for me to stop grinning every time one of them went to the loo. Truth be known, I still grin a bit. I'll dig up the guide I wrote on it and pass it on to you if you're interested...it's not completely polished and missing a graphic or two, but all the good stuff is there. Miss Thang and DennyBoy are definitely up for the task, me thinks, though if DennyBoy has a balancing issue becaause of his condition, you'll need to stop the process, but having seem how well he gets around, I doubt he'd have a problem. At most, you might have to get one of those padded toilet seats (covered in my guide), but I don't even think that will be necessary in the long run.

Clifford said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clifford said...

So Kate. Do you want to join me in catboxless bliss and pooping pleasure? Once you go catboxless, you never go back (:

synergy boy said...

I would love to read your guide. I'm not sure we'd want to make the commitment (and Missy's not the kitty with the most balance in the universe) but I'd definitely like to see what would be in store for us if we decided to go that way.

Your help would also be very appreciated. It sounds like a very interesting and amusing process.

And no litter would be *awesome*. Especially since I'm the one who cleans the box. ;)

Clifford said...

@Synergy boy:

Well then, my friend, I'll have to rustle up a copy and send it your way. But don't blame me if, after reading it, the next time you dig into that aromatic box and that miasma of wrong circles your head and tickles your sinuses like a cartoon cloud hand, that I didn't warn you!

Sidney said...

My cats are challenging, and they've been known to kick in the bathroom door if it's not closed all the way, but I've never had to race them. It is a little alarming to have the door swing inward and a cat come strolling in, like an inspector out of a Kafka novel.

Kate S said...


The demon is female, six months old, and totally psycho. A good candidate, ya think?

Kate at katesterling dot com.

Clifford said...


Absolutely perfect! I'll be sending you and Synergy Boy copies of my intuition guide shortly! Prepare for 3 rough months, followed by lifetime of bliss. Become the enlightened catboxless!

About Me

My photo
This is me and one of my two cats. His name is Cougar, and he’s an F1 Chausie. A chausie is a new breed of cat under development. Chausies are the result of a cross between a domestic cat (in Cougar’s case, a Bengal) and a jungle cat (Felis Chaus). Cougar’s mom is 8 pounds and his father is a 30-pound jungle cat. He’s about 16 pounds, super intelligent, spirited, and toilet trained. A writer without a cat (or two) is not to be trusted.